So much could be said but let me make two simple points.

“I want to say loud and clear that there is grace — there is great grace — for that situation. Even grace for flourishing in it, not just coping with it. And there is great reward forever and ever for those who endure in a godly, Christ-exalting way the disappointments of this life. Now, that’s not what she’s asking, but I felt it’s important to say it. She’s not asking how to cope with disappointment, but rather what strategies are permitted or encouraged for a godly wife to seek change in her husband who’s living in sinful ways. So, let me offer a few clarifications of what I hear in this question.”

While Piper states, “that’s not what she is asking,” that is still what he says in response!  Why? Because for some obvious reason, Piper says he “felt it’s important to say it.”

Likewise, Piper cites I Peter 3:1-6; 4:17, and while he states that it is not applicable to her situation since her husband is a believer, he still references I Peter.  It is obvious what is being done since, later on, he specifically cites I Peter 3:7 to support “submission.”

It is a way to exonerate oneself — “Look, I stated that it did not apply.”

But it was still purposefully stated and/or applied to make a disingenuous point about submitting to your husband, regardless of the length of time and/or the continued reasonableness of further inaction.

Piper set up the context for his advice which is to adopt “a meek and quiet spirit,” to be like Sarah, who called Abraham lord — “but I’m not saying I Peter applies to this situation!”

Piper repeatedly states and connotes in his answer that the wife has a responsibility to submit to her husband’s leadership.

“Submissive Confrontation”

“speaking to a husband about her concern she would necessarily be acting in an insubordinate or unsubmissive way. She might be if her attitude is wrong, but I think a mature, godly, Bible-saturated woman knows the difference between nagging a husband in a pushy or insubordinate way, on the one hand, and humbly and wisely bringing to the husband her concerns and seeking with him a way forward toward relational health that would make both of them and the children holier and happier. . . . .

If they can’t seem to make progress together, then it might mean seeking the husband’s agreement that they would bring a wise biblical counselor into their lives.“

^

That is what the Scriptures teach about the covenant of marriage after seeking to address the issue, with a little-to-no reasonable response by her husband after 20 years?  — “seeking the husband’s agreement.”

Have we gone mad! [4]

This “Tortuous Ideological Complementarianism” imprints what has happened at BC&S, many a ministry that has unquestionably adopted the thinking of John Piper, and so many of the teachers/preachers who follow  Desiring God writers!

Some have left their biblical sensibility and sanity!  Others have gone over the cliff with Piper by failing to challenge such teaching/preaching.  Piper’s positions are ideologically driven and flows out of a commitment to an unbiblical principle that “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him and ‘His will’ for our lives.”  For Piper (and many other Bible teachers and preachers) all other Scriptural truths and principles revolve around that stated ideological hub. [5]

“Satisfied in Him,” seemingly means that a wife submits to and ultimately accepts all that happens to her in her marriage.  Apparently, calling her spouse to account, directly speaking to her pastor or a counselor with or without her husband’s knowledge or permission, is not being satisfied in His will and way.

After 20 years of her working through and living with this situation, my advice as a pastor is far different! Sin, selfishness, wickedness, and unrepentant evil are not something you allow to continually uproot the covenant of marriage.

It is consequences that are designed to humble, and when the consequences are removed, there is little hope for any humility and change.  What no consequences do produce is hard-heartedness. [6]

Check out “Loammi” Hosea 1:9-10, 2:23

^

---

---

^

1. https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/how-do-i-address-my-spouses-ongoing-sin

2. By the way, what a pathetic description of 20 years of pornographic addiction by your husband — “. . . a long-term marital disappointment. . . . . !”

To even use those words to describe what this wife is experiencing in her marriage in the same category is shocking — at best!

“Disappointment” in marriage is when your spouse has you mow the lawn, fails to wash the dishes, vacuum the carpet, or share in the household tasks that come with living together.

3. How about this statement as well — “but that she may be empowered at any given moment for some perfectly suited gift from God for what that husband needs.”

4. I remember talking to a member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses.  As most realize, the Jehovah’s Witnesses will not serve in the armed forces, give allegiance to the United States flag, or be involved in law enforcement.  In our talk, I asked him what he would do if someone broke into their home and was attacking his wife or his daughter — assaulting them physically or sexually.  His answer was — “I would pray.”My response to him was . . . .

If you are saying that you represent what the Scriptures teach as the righteous and proscriptive will of God, as found in the Bible, then I have good reason not to believe anything you say as being biblical.  If you can so twist the Scriptures to allow for that kind of response — “I would pray” —  then you have the ability to twist Scripture to mean anything!

I remember talking to an individual who was a pastor/Bible teacher/reformed theologian/and-or Calvinist who repeated that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him and that such should be the principle that guides the response of a wife to 20 years of her husband’s pornographic addiction. . . . .
[You can finish it!]

5. Tell the families of Uvalde, Texas, whose children were killed, the parents of a young five-year-old child who was sexually molested, the wife whose husband has shattered their marriage, and the friend of mine who is dying of cancer (likely due to the unsafe environmental factory conditions) that what they are going through is a blessing, a blessing FROM God!

The underlying ideology of this kind of thinking and such statements has led to all kinds of passivity and inappropriate actions.  Poor-to-terrible counseling, wrong-doing, social injustice, and horrific abuse have been left unaddressed (and even justified as biblically appropriate and justified) because of this type of thinking — “We need to see this as from the hand of God.” [2]

Yes, I understand that God uses sin, sinlessly.  That God can still bless us, and does, midst our sin and the sins of others.  But the sin was sinful, it is not therefore acceptable to be left unaddressed, and it is not a blessing from His hand.  Any attempt to promote some passivity towards the sinful actions of men is but an argument to allow it to be more acceptable and/or for it to continue unaddressed!

6. Moses allowed divorce a writ of divorce because of the hardness of men’s hearts!